Wednesday, September 3, 2014

A Tofu Scramble With Vegan Sausage

"I'd like a tofu scramble with vegan sausage"

I overheard this at a restaurant with this as it's logo.

What the hell is the point? "A tofu scramble with vegan sausage." Why do you need to make tofu look like eggs? What exactly are you scrambling when you make a Tofu scramble? You are taking firm or extra firm tofu and crumbling it until it looks vaguely like eggs. Likely you are adding turmeric or a yellow food dye to make it look like more eggs.

"I'd like a tofu scramble with vegan sausage"

Have you ever tried to roughly crumble tofu? It doesn't crumble. The natural state of tofu isn't the same as an egg. Mostly because it's not an egg. And there is no damn reason to make it into a scramble. If you want a scramble and a sausage... eat a scramble and a sausage. If you want tofu, eat tofu. Why mask it as something else?

 "I'd like a tofu scramble with vegan sausage."

Do you know why we make things into sausage? It all started with the leftovers of butchery. Hearts, livers, kidneys, stomachs, intestines, blood. They aren't as glamorous as steaks, chops, ribs etc. But they are a part of the animal, and one we originally used out of necessity. Over thousands of years humans slowly refined this process of making the least desirable parts of the animals into the wonder which we currently call sausage.

"I'd like a tofu scramble with vegan sausage."

Spices, salting, aging, curing, smoking, molding, drying. Old Sows which have birthed generations of animals, ancient hens which have produced eggs for years, dairy cattle which has lived to the end of it's life. These are what make up the bulk of sausage(heh). Animals which would otherwise be tossed to the cats and dogs, quite literally. The amount of trial and error over generations which slowly developed ways of preserving and making this stuff tasty is something to be celebrated, something to be proud of. The casing protects the meat from some spoilage and gives otherwise loose and wet contents some form.

What is a vegan sausage? What sort of casing is it packed in? Why is it packed in any sort of casing? Whats the point of shoving "vital wheat gluten" into a sock and pretending it's sausage? It's not sausage. It's not sort of sausage, it doesn't even look like sausage. Oh sure it's cylindrical, It's the size of sausage. But it's missing everything that makes sausage sausage.

There are all sorts of tasty things which don't involve animals. Lentils, tofu, vegetables, bread, olive oil, beans. These things are all tasty. Why wouldn't you want to eat those tasty things instead of pretending to eat other things? If I chose not to eat bread I wouldn't want you to use two slices of meatloaf to make a sandwich... well... New example, if I chose not to eat carrots I wouldn't want to eat candy corn instead.

Why would anyone want "A tofu scramble with vegan sausage?"


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